Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Jill Came Tumbling After

Having just suffered a panic attack (minutes ago), I am reminded of what matters the most to me: being true. I will be true to myself, I will stand by my values and convictions. Some of those convictions are in conflict with my spiritual teachings, mainly, forgiveness. My conviction is to not entertain or maintain relationships with negative, selfish, conceited people in my life. I have disconnected and cut off from many a people like those mentioned above. But I'm told, I need to forgive the people who have hurt me as well.

What is forgiveness? Is it a spectrum from a clean slate to being able to acknowledge the person?
Or is it in between?

I need to find out.

My heart was palpitating, it was pounding in my chest. My breathing was deepening on its own. It was as if my chest was in peristalsis; my heart pumping in a wave-like motion rather than beating as a whole. Was it a heart attack? I dialed 911 but I stopped myself from calling. I looked away from my phone and told myself it couldn't be an attack, there was no pain in my arm or body or chest. I told myself to breathe slowly and count to 10. I prayed to God. I repeated a phrase to God over and over. I don't remember what it was.

Did I overdose on caffeine? I drank two strong cups in an hour at 1 a.m.
I had to. I've been oversleeping the last few weeks.
I have to continue this or else there will be no more focus.
I think I've found my life goal, a career to strive for.

God reminded me that what I really want is to be a net positive in Life. I can't allow my projection to slope.

No comments: