Thursday, December 10, 2015

The Day Presses On

I used to wonder when I'd get better. I look at my forearm and the scars comfort me. It'd be weird if they weren't there. I'd do it again once they've disappeared. Depression has become a huge part of my identity. It has become part of my every day. I oversleep everyday, I'm tired everyday, I'm unproductive everyday. I try to remember to take my medication everyday. I think about suicide every few days. Then I wonder if the only way to rid myself of these thoughts and habits would be to die. Because I have learned that we are all expendable and we do not matter and casualties are casual and life goes on it is nothing precious we are scum and people are annoying conceited and dumb. Maybe when it finally happens I'll be happier knowing I'm no longer a problem to my professors and administration staff. When it happens I won't have to face the world when they find out my struggles and weakness.
The Bigger Picture? What is the bigger picture? Jesus' second coming. Heaven on earth. Sinners in hell. I don't know where I stand in the spectrum of holiness. It's probably closer to hell.
My vision was to help, change, and learn. Journalism does all that. I love to read and write but I barely do.
Why does it matter if people want to die? I think society overreacts to suicide. Let them go. Human babies are born every second. Illness, debt, sadness, meaningless. They're all valid reasons. Why does it matter so much to you? There are millions of perfectly happy people who do not have a care in the world. The population will survive. Let the fittest live on. That's how depression will be eradicated. It will disappear from the gene pool. The laws of nature, the laws of God, aren't they the path to peace and fulfilment?