University of Toronto, Trinity College. Taken January 24, 2015.
Church is a place I haven't been to in a while. I don't think it has lessened my faith by any measure. I remember being vexed at church a couple of years ago. "Oh my goodness. They're playing the same praise song for the eight week in a row." I couldn't concentrate on the sermon, it was incredulously boring. The Word of God is never boring but when preached in a mundane fashion, it becomes so. It felt like a waste of time. Too much of an effort too. I had to cycle there, my aunt drove me there a few times, I walked a couple of occasions. The experience at that particular church was just not worth my energy to be there.
Married parishioners, all with toddlers, were showing signs of jadedness. A couple of families stopped showing up altogether after their second newborn.
I've been trying to find my own meaning of my Christian faith.
Are people inspired by me? Do people like me? Can I help others? Am I a good person?
Reading the works of Friedrich Nietzsche, I'm still contemplating what exactly is good if there is such a thing as good at all.
I've become fairly cynical. People say I'm gullible. Yes, in certain cases.
My morals have turned questionable. I've done some awful stuff. Regrettable though satisfactory at the same time. Life has become a delicate balance of worth. Is my life worth living? I feel tired every day. Should I die? Perhaps I could eventually do fulfilling work. Should I charge on? Even with all my energy it my resolve carries on with a crawl.
I'm young, I always think to myself, maybe the future will be better.
It's been getting better. It could even be better. A happier place, a stable scenario, a supportive environment, an intellectually stimulating influence. No more basic reflexes. No more survival mode. No struggle to have a calm roof over me.
I know that none of this would have been possible without God. I've been prayed for and blessed. My development is a miracle. My decent existence is a miracle.
It is always my story that keeps my own faith strong. I hope other believers have their own stories, their own divine encounters to root their faith.
There will be a limitless amount of whys.
We will never know. Not in this dimension.
It really is scary to not know. That's how fear mostly works. I feel bold enough but not strong enough. Physically not strong enough. My next miracle would be to become stronger. I do not feel good in this state at all.