Friday, June 08, 2012

I Fret and I Fear

Now I know what "it's a love-hate thing" means. I've been at war with myself for months. What I want, how I feel and what I do all contradict each other. My level of happiness has been very, very low and much of it has to do with my romantic relationship. Don't we all wish we had a significant other whom we could always depend on not only for help but truth? For me, I've been depressed over the fact that I am unable to trust that significant other. I only believe in 30-40% of what he says and it hardens my heart every time I need to filter and discard certain stories and sayings as junk. Of course, it's all the more obvious when what one does is the opposite of what was promised and selfish motives will always surface over time. A couple of days ago, I recalled seeing a survey on the frequency of employees thinking about quitting their job and if I remember correctly, approximately a third thought about it every week. That greatly shocked me when I first saw it, "Wow, so many people are so unhappy with their occupation. I must get a job I love to do to be happy in the future." I calculated the frequency of my wanting to break up and on average it came up to be around every 2 weeks.

That doesn't seem very healthy nor is it a very good sign on how I see this connection I have with my boyfriend. Oh, please, I don't mean to defame him in any way. Great guy, great guy... this is all me. Back to where I was, it's just plain agony to be with someone whom you can't believe. It cuts the relational satisfaction by at least half and that is what greatly bothers me. It's not as if I've been skeptical and untrusting from the start; there were multiple incidences that had breached that trust. There's no joy for me when I have to sift through every word and doubt the stories told rather than laugh with excitement and disbelief. Communication is supposed to be one of the pillars of a relationship but if what is spoken is brushed aside or untrustworthy, then communication isn't the problem, we talk and send SMSes very often, it's trust. And I've told myself many times, if I'm unhappy because I can't trust the other person, then I shouldn't continue to date that person. But the counter argument is that every one is flawed and unique, perhaps his idiosyncrasies just doesn't complement mine; while I am more straight-foward and honest, he is more diplomatic and euphemistic.

But I had tried, I've shared my concerns and requested for more raw honesty but the same problem still remains. Now I'm at lost at what to do. To settle and be sad or to be single and be sad...still?

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