Saturday, December 03, 2011

Compartmentalization

I find it funny whenever I have to argue my identity. I mean, how on earth do people get the nerve to question or doubt a person's answer to a question of their own identity? Oh right, with all the liars in the world, it's no surprise for people to be skeptical towards everything they hear. It's quite a surreal experience talking with people nowadays, I seem to be in a daze, oblivious to whatever they're saying. I no longer care to validate their words. I don't want to remember what was said. It's too much energy to keep track of everyone's credibility and trustworthiness. I've been lied to so many times, even if it was a joke, I feel foolish for having believed in it.

So what I found amusing was when my school-mates saw "Zoe Yve" written on my agenda book or on the top of my lined paper when I leave my notes on the table, they ask curiously "Isn't your last name Foo?" (some with an insulting look of "Oh, you want a fake name that's French."). I tell them that that's my middle name and they go like OH but a few do give a look of disbelief. There were many things I had to clarify, insist on and/or correct people about throughout my life, my nationality, race, accent and age. Having uprooted from country-to-country and state-to-state quite a few times, I never had people who knew me completely or well enough around me in my social circle. I never had a constant friend or familiar face (besides my immediate family members) to be with. No doubt it was exciting, always being on the move, always meeting new people, always getting attention for being a little different in this Southeast Asian country.

But this, being in Canada, and hiding bits of myself, I can't blame them. I don't know why I felt so uncomfortable that I had to compartmentalize everything. I have two Facebook accounts, I did not want my school-mates knowing I have a Twitter account and a blog and I did not want them to know my middle name. But now, as I'm finally beginning to warm up after a year, and feel safe and accepted am I now slowly letting go of all the anxiety that consumed me. I'm more willing to share more of myself and my social media persona.

Except, I still feel very alone and lonely. I haven't found my god-mother or my Grade 2 best friend that I lost contact with ten years ago. I'm so happy to be here but there's no emotional value or persons for me to bond with. I can't anyways, I can never love anyone I know. By know, I mean find out what they're really like, their weaknesses and ugly side in particular. Everyone has an ugly side, no one is perfect and for me, I can't love that person once I know their imperfection. No, I don't mean physically or any kind of disability but there's this one flaw everyone has that just almost entirely blots out their beauty and goodness. Selfishness, attention-craving, narcissism, bias, lying, pretentiousness, perversion, conceit, egotism. The slightest spot is so distracting and it totally prohibits me from compromising to accept that person.

I have been praying though. I've been praying to God that I would learn to forgive, to stop being bitter and judgmental and learn to love people. But it's really, really hard. How do them Christians do it? Gar!

I also highly doubt that I'll ever have a best friend. It's not possible. I'm judgmental and weird. Meaning that I can't love that friend and that friend will probably think I'm a freak. One's gotta give, I need to give. It's the risk that I hate. You invest time, emotions, sometimes money into the relationship and for something to go wrong makes you wish you never tried in the first place.

Gosh, I'm not even talking about dating. It's FRIENDSHIP. Friendship. Friendship...

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