Saturday, June 18, 2011

Defense Mechanism

I feel guilty that I only blog when I need to write something out of my mind and off of my chest. I update my blog as frequently as I pray and I'm treating it similarly to the way I treat God... which is not good. I shouldn't pray or blog only when I have problems. It should be a regular, non-chaotic habit to enrich my life but sadly, it isn't so. So, here's another post about one of my trivial or you could say, jaded issues that I face seasonally. It's getting old really but the same stakes are always concerned which will always make it important enough for it to matter and affect me mentally.

I feel that I'm slowly losing my mind. I feel like I'm getting dumber which is ironic because it's at a time where I'm beginning to learn the most in this semester and it's when the truth of my ignorance hurts me. It's knowing my current state is humbling and sad. My shield of optimism and faith has worn off after months of fighting, of fighting bad influence such as negative attitudes and mannerisms, explaining my actions and asking for reasonability. It's gone. I'm grateful to God that I have found some comfort in this world when my home and family are the ones that beat me down. Usually, it's the family factor that keeps you strong when you're "out in the world trying to make it". However, I feel much more at ease in school and at almost any place away from where I live.

It's unfortunate. It's been 8 months that I have been here in Canada and yes, even though I did expect differences and disagreements, it's still unfortunate that it really happened. I have a defence mechanism where I become stoic when in a melodramatic situation. It's partly because I don't want to mislead the other person that I'm crying over what I've done to them, but I freeze because I would cry over being misunderstood. Again, you don't get it, you're wrong, you're assuming, you're a hypocrite and I can't bother to spell out all your past contradictions out to you because of you're memory bottomless pit, you wouldn't understand because you're a narrow-minded trout.

It's not about Ye-Ye's cancer at all. No, I think it's because you have to pick at everything that is not done in your way. I told my aunt to tell me to do whatever chores in the house that needs to be done. But she insists not doing it the practical way, she hated the idea of a timetable. She claimed that it wasn't sincere. Do you have any idea about the shit I have to go through every week when she gets all emotional? It's like I'm living with a lesbian girlfriend whom I'm stuck with. *(Nothing against LGBT)*
She's always been authoritative, "crazy" and dissident. When I was six or seven, I had a traumatizing experience of her grabbing my shirt with her hands and pulling my body up to her face while she threatened me in some sick humorous way because I pasted a no-smoking sign in the kitchen. Her humor, to me, has always been off. I never laughed at her jokes and she was always amused by the most lame things which she insists to share about and disses the people who don't find it funny. Which is another way she "jokes" by hurling rather offensive remarks in a serious manner.

My aunt thinks that I'm selfish, unsympathetic and loose. Just now she said, "I ask you to be a little bit compassionate. *makes a small measurement with her forefinger and thumb of a distance of approximately half a centimeter*" She also said that I love hanging out and that's all I do nowadays. She assumes that I have boyfriends and suspects that I sleep with them too. One time, I brought my classmate home to do a partner project with and he was a guy and immediately my family became very tense. My aunt said, "I don't know what you're doing, but whatever you're doing in the room, don't do it here in this house." What the hell did she mean by that right? I, being offended, told her, "I don't know what you were like when you were my age, but I'm not like you." Oh, party girl were you? Lonely, easy girl were you? That must have been sad to be you then but I'm telling you, I have morals. I value my body and my own dignity enough not to let any person have a piece.

From then on, I really gave up in trying to appease my relatives because I was hurt from their mistrust and impression of me. Yes, I'm a youth, yes, I'm in high school. But does that mean you can indubitably make me part of the statistics of sexually-active drug-using rebels? Frankly, at one point, I was (in terms of experimenting with a couple of substances) but I've learned from that and it was a long, long time ago. Now that I'm older and slightly more sensible, it's frustrating to be framed by an old-fashion, dimwitted, potty-mouthed know-it-all. You are everything that I never want to be and it sucks to be within the realm of your influence. I constantly look to my peers as my source of inspiration but whenever I begin to admire them, it turns into jealousy and then anger. It's always the same cycle. My multi-talented school-mates are highly intelligent, hardworking, skilled musically and supported by their parents. I admire them at first, I thank God for functional families and their success in bringing up wonderful children and then I know that I am not one of them and why I wasn't and then I become angry because I remember why. Suddenly, my self-esteem drops and I wished that I didn't even exist. But before that I try to comfort myself by comparing myself to other people who are worse off than I am but I realize how pathetic is it. It's The Cycle of Misery.

I don't know what to do with my aunt. I reached a conclusion a few hours ago that I could not allow myself to give up on my family. That's because if I were married, divorce is not an option, and the only thing left to do would be to work on my marriage and restore it to the way it was before rather than walking out on the other person. Essentially although not technically, I am "married" to my biological family members. I am morally obligated to love and care for them as much as I want to carve out my own life without the disturbances and distractions of others. I can't leave them in the ditch, I HAVE TO try to repair the relationships. But it feels impossible and I don't even wanna undertake this undoable goal. oooooooohhhhh maaaaaaaaaaaaaa iiiiii gggggggoooooooooossssssssss h. I'm hyperventilating just thinking about it.

Why must people be so difficult? Where's the invisibility cloak? Where's my wand? In the summer holidays, I plan to dive into the second book of the Harry Potter series. Oh, I'm also going to summer school. Yay, my life is productive. Wouldn't I be good for something? According to my aunt, I can't just be useful, I have to be insisting and pretentious (in my perspective of what she's saying). YA pretend to be BLOODY formal and behind the person's back COMPLAIN and SWEAR. No need for perfection let's be OBESE and crackly. Ignore the other person's wishes and opinions, FORCE your DEM' habits and ideas because it's YOUR life and you just wanna dominate EVERYONE.

blahvahabracadabra. It's 2AM. I wanna go to Wonderland tomorrow. I didn't pay 80 bucks for a season pass for nothing. I need you, Wonderland.
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2 comments:

Simon Seow said...

I thought Canadian are more open minded? I guess Asians are still Asian no matter where :p

Zoeyve said...

She's Malaysian (and crazy).