Saturday, March 05, 2011

It's all the same

Coming back to Canada was a miracle for me, I was overjoyed that I could finally go back to my home country. Even though it was a huge step closer to where I wanted to be, I knew that it would not be the end of my problems. I truly believe that no two people can live under the same roof together in harmony. I've witnessed so much and I've often accurately predicted what is to come and also desperately hoped it wouldn't. Before arranging my flight back home, I chatted with my aunt over the phone and I knew, I knew from the very first phone call that living with her would be a problem. How she spoke and her sense of humor was very different from mine and it was a good preparation for me to think about how to deal with that once I moved into my grandparent's house.

If there was a way to live and study in Canada by myself, I definitely would have done that. Realistically, I couldn't and I still can't. Going to school, buying and cooking my own food, bills and working would all have been too much for me. I've always hated the fact that I was stuck because of all the limitations in my life. I never got a headstart, I received little moral support, I was constantly misunderstood and blamed and all of this resulted in me being on survival mode. From the beginning, friends of mine have told me to think for myself and to think about my future and not worry about others. But I thought that that was such a selfish way to live, how could I not care for my family? As time went by, I realized that this was necessary. My family didn't even care about me. I was excluded from my mother's concern financially and educationally ever since she got a boyfriend. My father was never a good dad, he never helped me with my homework even when I asked, all he cared about was his pride, his failing business and getting drunk with his friends. My brother? A completely selfish, self-absorbed guy who's always desperate to get a girlfriend. He pretends in public to be the victim of my refusal to acknowledge him as my sibling when he treats me like crap at home. He's an asshole, it's an intrinsic part of his soul. When we were still in Canada, when I from 4-8 years old, he's always treated me badly. He only cared about his social life and he hated that he had to take care of me. He'd chokeslam me, call me names, and he would never share his toys. Then in Malaysia, he'd hog the T.V. and computer which he knew was unfair and when I was using the computer he would push me aside and use it. He used force to get his way. He called me a slut when I came out of the washroom with a towel on for no reason, I was only 10 or 11 at that time. He was proud that he got around 300 views on his Friendster profile a month and said he was popular in highschool.

When I got to highschool, I became more popular and people said I was the prettiest girl in my batch and I received over 2,000 views on my Friendster profile. He never ever said I was pretty, his response was "That's because you're a girl." Before I got into secondary school, he said PSLE was "so easy" and he had to take O levels which was so HARD and he called me stupid and said I would be in a Normal Technical class which was a class for people with a low PSLE score. I ended up being in the best class which was the Express class.

I never understood why he had to be so mean to me. He always started the fights and I really don't know why he was like that. Yet in front of others, he pretends to be neutral. It sickens me so much how he lies and denies every bad thing he has done. It's disgusting. They're all so disgusting. When I got kicked out my house in Cheras, he didn't care or try to help. So would you blame me if I didn't acknowledge him as my brother? It find it revolting calling him my brother, his death would not affect me the slightest bit. Actually, it would. It'd make me feel relieved. That he would stop using my name to know people. In church, he'd start chatting girls up by saying how he's related to me. How he manages to have a clear conscience as a Christian and treat his family like shit is a wonder. No, he doesn't disrespect our mother but he only talks to her when he needs something. Not that she minds it either, he's her only son and is the most important family member to her.

Perhaps it was because of the two miscarriages or maybe that didn't even affected her innate bias. Whatever it is, they are dead to me. But I can't. I'm constantly struggling. The Bible says to forgive and love but I just want to live my own life and not try to heal broken relationships. Why should I be good to them when so much injustice has be done to me? I really just want to have a good group of buddies, live by myself comfortably and study or work for the rest of my life.

Whoever I live with, there's this tendency for me to be roughly treated. WHY? I don't know. People have this need to bring me down and break my spirit. I don't even poke my nose into their business but they're always in mine. They complain I don't care, well that's because I don't want to anymore. It's not like you'd take my advice or change for the better.

This sucks, I can't stop crying. How this started was because my aunt yelled at me for only vacuuming the hallway and my own room. She shouted, "If you wanna vacuum, you do everyone's room or don't vacuum at all." I didn't start crying just because of what she said but the fact that I had to continue residing with her for an indefinite period of time and the horror of living with such a character. After two months of living with my grandparents and aunt, I found this awful resemblance between them and my family in Malaysia. My aunt was just like my dad and I even I told her that and she said, "Yeah, we're brothers and sisters." No, siblings are not necessary alike in mannerisms. My aunt and my dad was similar from the way they laugh, to their temper, to their weight, to their humor and--oh this one just hit me--to their accomplishments. They're both overweight/obese, they have this unpleasant loud chuckle, they're short-tempered (and unreasonable), and they both like starting their own businesses. Let's see, my dad's divorce, my aunt never got married (or had a boyfriend for that matter).. my dad and aunt each had a one-time successful business a long time ago but both aren't doing well now. It does seem to me that they mirror each other perfectly. Both of them have prejudice that once you anger them they want to pick a fight(start an argument) with you for anything that you do, just like when I vacuumed which seemed harmless but she had to make it into a big deal.

No, I don't pity any of them but myself. What is this pitiful life I have for? To be a case study? GOD, why? It's either I kill them or myself. But now that the tears has stopped and I can start thinking logically. I really do have to live for myself. It is a bad start but I can end it well with hard work. I just got so tired on being on survival mode for so long, to be constantly chasing happiness and true independence. All that I've been through sobers me so much, it has forced me to be realistic. Which is a good but sad thing.

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