It saddens me to say that I don't think I'll be able to see you guys much longer. I'll be flying back to Canada in around a month's time because my mom plans to enroll me into a public high school in Toronto and the summer break is ending soon. School will commence on the first week of September. The homeschooling program I'm doing isn't very effective for me so even if I study a year late, it's not as bad as graduating at 20.
The whole day today and yesterday night, I've been in a daze. Staring into space, worrying about what might happen. Will I fit in? Will my class-mates be mean or will I be able find a part-time job? What about my stuff here? And all the promises I've given to my friends...
I owe Yee Ho a Haagen Dazs date, I haven't hosted my best friend, Sje Ting, around K.L. when she and Siying were very kind to me when I visited them in Singapore. The marathon I was supposed to run with Celine in the end of September which she already registered and paid RM50 for me.
I was also planning to sign up for an acting course at KLPac. I guess it won't happen. This morning I freaked when my mom said I would fly on the same day she was going to India, which is the 23rd of this month. "Pack all of your things that you want to bring. You have 10 days."
WTF?!?! I asked all the logical questions like, "What about my visa? Are you gonna courier my stuff? I'm gonna bring my homeschooling books to Canada?" Her replies were crazy. She didn't know about the visa, she told me to give my stuff away and she said I'd be studying in a public school.
Have you lost your mind?!? Like donate 85% of my stuff? No way!
Obviously, we don't have much of a plan. The reason is because this decision was concluded in three days. The first two days, I communicated with my aunt in Canada, I poured my heart out to her about my sadness of living here so she wanted me to go back and stay with her and my grandparents (Dad's side, my mom's parents have both passed on). In e-mail, my aunt said she always knew I'd have difficulty adapting with the culture, she said I didn't belong in Malaysia.
I thought of that before, I felt like a fish out of water sometimes. After hours of fearing for the worst, I tried to be positive about going back to Canada, "Maybe the bouts of melancholy and discomfort will finally go away. I'll finally have a home and be in a [loving] home."
You see, in my entire life, I have moved seven times. 1) I immigrated from Canada to Malaysia, 2) my parents rented an apartment to move out of my grandparent's house in JB, 3) we shifted to a rented semi-D with my uncle and his GF, 4) we moved into a house for our family only, 5)I traveled to KL because my mom was working here and we stayed at an apartment in Subang, 6) we moved to a house in Cheras which is where I'm living now.
[I say seven times because before my mom got to rent an apartment in Subang we stayed at her friend's place for a couple of months while we searched for a suitable place.]
As much as I found it exciting to be always on the move to new places, the novelty eventually wore out and I was left feeling hollow. I felt like I didn't have a home, all of these "holding places" were merely temporary. It wasn't a warm, permanent house filled with pleasant memories where I could come back 20 years later to find it unchanged and still inhabited with happy people. There were times I was alone and very sad.
I don't know what else to say. I'll miss the ones I love and I'll love the ones who'll miss me. I'm glad that I got to meet a handful of bloggers at Midvalley today. A final hi-bye bump and to the rest of my closer friends, I hope I could spend some quality time with you guys. I think I forgot to add that I'm leaving for good, whoops. Yeah, it's not a vacation or a college period, it's like gooood.
I dreamed of this day and it's a little surreal that it's happening all so fast. I pray that my mom isn't kidding with me. Oh gosh if I end up staying here because she changed her mind, I'll go berserk. I'd buy a baseball bat and smash all the electronics in the house. Okay, forget that I said that. I really hope this will be the best for me and and and...
more confirmation in a few more days.
P/S: I want to eat mooncakes and durians before I go.