Sunday, March 14, 2010

Weakness

What a glorious Monday, yes, Monday morning, I need you. Last night was horrible. I went to bed at 1AM but only managed to catch a wink at 4. After three hours of fighting fear, panic attacks and the delusion that I was gonna die again, I fell asleep. It didn't last long, merely minutes or so later I felt a weight on my entire body from the neck down.

I couldn't breathe. Something, an entity or maybe it was just the phantom of my paranoia, tightly smothered me by wrapping around my upper body. Neck, arms, chest, I tried to move but couldn't. I tried to pray but I could hardly speak. I was so afraid, alone in my room, with no one to look at for strength.

Yes, look at, not to. I just need another human being there and my fears would temporarily vanish. I prayed and prayed in my head, muttering, "In Jesus name! In Jesus name! In Jesus name!" Repeating it over and over again till I woke up. My heart was palpitating, I hugged my thin, purple and gray striped blanket given by Malaysia Airlines. It was burning, the area that was tightly embraces, my neck, arms and shoulders were bloody burning.

I knocked on my mom's door gently, staying as close to the door as possible. I didn't know what to say if she really did open the door. "Mom, I'm scared. Can you sleep with me?" Maybe the both of us would have slept on the couch together in the living room. On occasions like this, we put our differences aside. Fear, food, functions are pretty much the only things that make us ignore our friction.

But no, she didn't wake up. I stood there frozen. I would not return to sleep, not a damn option. Continue watching Lost maybe? Stay awake till dawn breaks and collapse on the bed without worry. It's so exhausting fighting this mental battle. I thought my phobia was defeated after several months of peace but I was wrong.

It's been a year and I still leave the lights on when I go to sleep alone. This isn't a kiddy fear of the dark I will outgrow. It's something more serious. My life can't be enjoyed with my sleeping problems. Nytctophobia, insomnia, sleep apnea.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!?!

God, help me, please.

2 comments:

Simon Seow said...

Maybe you should consult a Physco Therapist.

Zoeyve said...

You mean psycho therapist or a psychiatrist. They're bloody a hundred an hour or more. I prefer Jesus, thank you.