Sunday, March 14, 2010

Three on one

I'm wondering what triggered my thanatophobia. It has gone so bad it's affecting my daily life. Why am I afraid of death? Because my entrance to paradise is uncertain, because I don't wanna burn in the pits of eternal punishment, because I wanna live long.

Arguments and confrontations might be contributing to all of this. Every single time you start your little petty fights and lie to the relatives to justify what you did and to fix up your image as a good mother. I hate you for it and I'll have to show it to your face by repeating reality to you which sorta means I'm dishonoring you because I have to shove it in your face while you raise your voice in denial.

You make me so sick.

Yesterday afternoon I went to my grandaunt's house. She started lecturing me about studying, respecting my mother, manners and money. Grandaunt, I seriously doubt you'd still be on my mom's side if you knew what she said about you here. She and her boyfriend has many complaints about you and your strict rules.

Yet in front of you, for the sake of free food and likability (AKA boot licking), she and he laughs and smiles and agrees with every damn thing you say. Now you are siding her to talk about me? I don't exactly blame you because she's fed you with half-truths and one-sided stories.

But what I don't like is that you believe her with no questions asked. You assume it's the !@#$ing truth and chastise my unfiliality and bitterness towards her. Grandaunt, clearly, I can see you're won over by her sobbing, motherly talk. I don't need your approval or your support.

Believe what you want. I cried that day because what you said was wrong, I wasn't repentant or sorry. I know what she did, I know why I am the way I am, I was unfairly judged.

The night before, on Saturday night, I was confronted by Faith. She's my cell group leader and my cell group is W19. She pulled me aside and demanded, "Can you stop being like that?" I was like WTF did I do now?

What happened was that my entire CG members left and I was alone in church with some other church-mates and then I stumbled upon Faith wondering where everyone was and she asked why I was still here. I was talking to a friend when she saw me and so I told her I could just go to Pyramid and meet them up later. So that I wouldn't trouble them to drive all the way back just to get me, and the friend I was talking to said, "Yeah, me, (name) and (name) are going to Pyramid. We can drive you there."

So I thought it was a pretty cool plan and that was when she asked for a moment with me. Faith accused me of being selfish, self-absorbed and rude. Now don't take this the wrong way. I'm not attacking her on my blog, I'm just writing out what happened, what was said and how I feel.

Faith said I was rude to her because I knew we were supposed to fellowship with the rest yet I decided to go off to Pyramid by myself. Also that I was selfish because I always do what I like and show faces when I'm unhappy/bored, I'm self-absorbed because I don't put more effort into knowing the others.

Okay. According to you I need to "fine tune" my character.

Firstly, I decided to go to Pyramid because I was abandoned in church. Gee, how was I abandoned? I walked around talking to/catching up with people while waiting for you guys sitting around in the auditorium and without my knowledge you guys left. I show faces because I can sit in the church hall for up to an hour doing nothing, wishing I had my own car so I could drive the hell away. It's a waste of time dilly-dallying in the same place for a prolonged period.

I don't talk to certain people because there's nothing to talk about. I really wouldn't mind raving on about marshmallows, cotton candy, dark, expensive chocolates and Danish cookies but I doubt they'd be interested. What should I ask them? The typical, boring questions which usually annoys me when other people who approaches me ask?

"How old are you? What course are you doing? Are you Chinese or Australian? Oh interesting, how long have you been in City Harvest Church? Who's Cell Group are you in? What cell group is it? Is she/he a good leader? Are you in a ministry? Do you have any siblings? What do you like to do?"

I want to shove a cork into your mouth and say STFU!!!

I hate the 3-minute chat break before services starts, I hate repeating myself for the thousandth time. Can't you see? I get uncomfortable when I'm forced to socialize. I only want to hang out with people I like. For saying this, I am selfish but does it make me self-absorbed?

We can't naturally get to know one another. Everything is sped up by strongly encouraged friendliness as a Christian. It is this very feigning of interest that I hate. For what? To defend my title as a Christian? To show the world how Christlike I am, loving and friendly.

I understand you discipline me out of love and concern but I need you to understand what made me like this. I can change but the cause needs to be fixed.

I really do want to be jolly and a joy to others. Many of my friends say that I'm too happy most of the time. But how can you expect me to be lovely all the time when my circumstances are killing me?


Priscilla said...

If you think that these making you uncomfortable, you can talk to me. :D

AngelKein♥ said...

You know what. I feel the same way.
Its like you've read my mind and wrote things i wanted to write for such a long long time but has no guys cause her pastors and auntys and whoever reads her blog.

Zoeyve said...

Priscilla- Very thoughtful, sister. Thanks.

Angelkein- Lol. I wouldn't care.