Praise the Lord. I always thank God when I get my thoughts straight. It's scary when the worry, anxiety and pretense builds up and you feel unsafe and insane. These are the moments I ask why God created anything in the first place. I'd rather not have existed than to feel all this fear and uncertainty.
I don't like this. The mental torture, the emotional strain and physical exhaustion. Run run run. There's no one to go to, no one to talk to, no one who would understand and help. I'm sane during the day but at nightfall the nightmare begins.
I need people around but I can't tolerate most of them. I want to be normal but noticed. I gotta release my pain but... it comes back to me. I had a question in my mind for a while. "Does forgiving mean loving?" Once I forgive must I love you again and risk the hurt?
Can I forgive and avoid you? Can I?
'Cus I can't keep going on with you stabbing needles into my heart. I came to a point where I was so numb I couldn't love anybody. Not God, not me, not Caramel. I'm so scared of dying. I so freaked out about going to hell, like God hates me or something. When that happens the cycle goes on and I start thinking about death *panic attacks*
I know I'm young now but when I'm old and frail, I'll be prone to diseases and organ malfunction so I fear growing up and aging physically. I visited Bible Gateway and amazingly their verse of the day was:
“Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.”- Isaiah 46:4
That is VERY comforting knowing that God loves everyone in spite of age, race or gender. Sleeping every night is a chore, it feels so real that this is it, I'm gonna die tonight. I shut my eyes tight hoping I'll see daylight tomorrow and I do. Such repititions wear me out.
It's much better now. I used to choke and cry from anxiety attacks but now I'm slowly controlling my fears by praying and simple faith. My weaknesses remind me that I need the LORD. My attitude easily rusts, whenever I read the Bible His word really straightens me up.
Distractions merely delay confrontation. I've got to defeat the devil and eat doughnuts. Forget what I said food is my escape. It's absurd the difficulties I put myself through if I would only stop procrastinating. Questions like, "Why did she die? Was it really an accident? How come he lived?"
I don't want to. I want to be left alone but not abandoned.