Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I listen but...

It's 330 and it's hot. I refuse to turn the air-conditioner during the day and I turn off the lights when nobody's around. I try not to shower 3 or more times a day and it's been killing me so I just apply some cooling whitening gel on my face once in a while and spray it with a face mist to feel fresh.

I've been watching loads of documentaries. Wherever there's Astro, I immediately go to Discovery Channel, History Channel, Animal Planet and National Geographic. Once it hits the commercial break I switch to the other channels to check out what documentaries they're showing. It makes me feel smart! What I've learned was that there are thousands of theories and I didn't know The Rapture was one of them. I was shocked, WHAT?! THE RAPTURE WAS ONLY A THEORY BY SOME BIBLE SCHOLAR WANNABE SO IT MIGHT NOT ACTUALLY HAPPEN!?!??!

How can a suggestion be stated as a truth? I always thought The Rapture was from the Bible, deciphered from some context. Correct me if I'm wrong, so the whole rapture thingy was only an assumption accepted by tens of thousands of people? What maddens me is when people force their opinions on others like it is a law and assume that without a doubt it's correct.

See, when I was 5 years old. I was writing a journal about my aunt giving me a scooter as a surprise present in the summer. To be SURE, I asked my mom how to spell scooter. She said," S............K-O-O...T-E-R." I double-checked with her if it wasn't a 'C'. She insisted it was a K, I told her I was fairly certain it was spelled with a c and decided to dismiss her help. She in turn gave a petty face and told me not to ask her for help in the future since I wasn't following her.

Being only 5 with very finite knowledge and an undeveloped character, I gave in and my page was corrected by my teacher. She circled 'K' in red and wrote the correct spelling on top of it WHICH I already knew but looked like a dumb spelling bee because of my mother.

I wondered why she used k, my previous guesses was that she was confused. Remembering that she's MALAYsian and probably studied most of her subjects in Malay justified what happened. BUT NO, she studied in a Chinese school, Foon Yew!111! NO EXCUSES! Uh, not the point (was totally side-tracking).

I've been keeping a lot of anger in myself lately. It is unhealthy. Maybe I'm a little short-tempered. I hate it when people pet my head, even though it may be a nice gesture the first thing I think about is your dirty hands treating my conditioned hair as a cloth. So stay off unless you're only feeling the texture of it at the tip. That is just one minor example, of course there are other more significant issues that disturb me. =.=

Such as when people say, "You never listen (to me/to whoever)." That is wrong, as a matter of fact, I do. When I say I do you disagree and say I don't. No no no, really, I do. Then you ask why I didn't act according to what you told, I'm sorry? Since when did listening become obeying?

Aha! That's what I'm very tired of. I said listened, not heed. They are totally different. Whether I did or did not ask for your advice/opinion/say about whatever doesn't mean I would have to act on it. Don't you think I should at least evaluate your suggestion?

Or do you want me to blindly follow you? Only idiots believe without questioning. So please, if you want to nag/lecture me, rethink your choice of words correctly. :) I'm not saying I do not appreciate your concern but sometimes it is completely irrelevant. You're not in my shoes, you have never experienced anything I have and not that I'm being whiny but seriously...You.Do.Not.Understand.

I know I shouldn't be throwing people off when they're all I've got and I admit I'm not that good in handling sour/awkward affairs. Some just shouldn't talk like they know it all when they've come from a very blessed or different background. Gee, not saying like I'm from DA GHETTO, it's just a really difficult position.

If you care but can't do much, don't bloody try the emotional blackmail on me. I am so shutting you out. One thing I can't control is me cutting people off. I never really realized till someone told me. It's not like at the slightest mistake I'll shun from you but it takes several rather important characteristics of our friendship to manifest whereby I think it would not lead to any good in the future that I decide to abandon the bridge I've built.

Yes, I manage horribly.

I would say I get upset easily when people disappoint rather than the circumstances. I find it usually the other way for most people. Always complaining about how things are and putting less focus on the inconspicuous actions of others. That's what I think, it might differ from yours.

I'm also upset that some immature brats wanna play the petty game with me just because of something I said in defence of myself from that brat. I'm more concerned about the end of the world than you're little measly feelings. GROW UP ALREADY AHHHH. I don't get why people prefer wasting "truckloads of time" to forgive someone while giving them the cold shoulder at it than dealing with it permanently and getting over it.

Time is not a factor for me. Since I treat everyday like it's my last, I either treat you nice forevaaaa or avoid/ignore you forevaaaa. Which is also a bad thing because I won't really believe if you told me you have changed and most probably won't give you a second chance for our friendship since I've moved on rather hastily (partly because of my present paranoia of death every night) and don't feel like it's worth investing any time with you who probably broken my trust.

Okay, don't judge me. That was a long-winded expressive girly speech which I will probably regret publishing in the morning. I didn't feel liberated talking to the walls. I would actually talk non-stop when I'm in a room alone and start feeling deranged and then shut up. No, I'm not weird. I'm sure everyone has a deformed skeleton in their kiddy closet as well.

Yeah well, I know this probably bores you so you shouldn't be even reading it in the first place and I was thinking of separating two blogs. Like a personal and a public one but that wouldn't be fun. It's supposed to be a diversity of topics and posts. I don't know if I want the public to only see the side of me where I attend events and do nothing or even think of nothing.

I don't wanna be too obsessed about my image either. When people try to hide their secrets and keep up a facade, it's very hard. I prefer to be transparent and honest although at times I can't reveal everything. I tend to be nonchalant about reputations till I see it for myself, I never hardly judge a person by their appearance and rumors having been through the same treatment.

Yesyes, lotsa grammatical and spelling errors but I'm too lazy to reread everything I've written to correct 'em. It's almost 5 and I wish you guys a happy, happy dayy.


I ain't faking, I ain't faking this.

6 comments:

Serge Norguard said...

i have no idea how or what to comment on this post really.

just laughing my head off here

Serge Norguard said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Corynn said...

You should have made this shorter, because people like me will not read it. HAHAHA!

Cindy Khor said...

let bygones be bygones.... be tough and stay tough. its alright to rant whatever unhappiness whenever and wherever... sometimes i talk to myself in the room alone too... like there's a ghost listening or something

Missyve said...

Serge Norguard- What's so funny?! -,-

Corynn- That's exactly what I want!

Cindy Khor- Choy choy choy, the only ghost I want listening is the Holy Spirit. Phew, spooks me out. Thank you dearie, there are weak moments in life where we have to turn to chocolate and pudding and chocolate puddings.

Serge Norguard said...

erm, not sure i think i was in my moment