Monday, April 06, 2009

The Reason.

Emotions are hard to control when it's sincere. You can't help but hug the person you love, punch the person you hate, ask when you're concern and cry when sad.

I don't like crying. It makes me feel weak. I despise weak people, especially those who can't stand up for themselves and turn into jelly when asked for their say. People who couldn't tell the truth because they didn't dare, people who conformed to peer pressure, people who lie to save themselves.

I dropped a few tears just now, it went on so naturally. I couldn't swallow it in anymore unlike watching in the theatres. This hurt is real, it's gotta be bad. I didn't understand why I would cry when it concerned my family. I hate them, why am I crying about them?

I told my friend's mother the story, I had to. I felt obligated, I just couldn't continue living here like a freeloader and act like nothing happened. "Aunty, firstly I wanna say I apologize for staying here so long but... something happened. I.." No, I didn't want to tell her, I really didn't but she looked at me and asked me to continue. I stuttered, "I... my... mom and.. you know, her boyfriend. They...I was kicked" I didn't want to say it was MY house or THEIRS nor was it THE house.

Aunty was concerned and asked how it resulted, I vaguely explained, not wanting to leak out too many details. She can't understand anyways, she told me how parents care for their children and that they were worried about me. Aunty, if that was so this wouldn't have happened.

I started to drop a few tears when I was revealing my plight. Why?! Those people aren't worth my tears or my heart. I'm just thinking about Zohan now, how am I gonna take care of him and buy him hamster food? No one cares for him except for me. He has helped me so much in so many ways.

Zohan kept me sane in that shithole. Whenever I'd get so depressed and go to my room to avoid the smoke, clutter and the lunatic, I wonder what to do sitting on my bed. In the back of my head I remember Zohan and exit to meet him. He doesn't nibble me anymore, he loves me as well. I'm so happy I tamed him in two months. We have a bond that's inseperable.

So here I am, in my friend's house thinking of futile plans. Aunty said I could stay here as long as I wanted but I had to talk to my mom one day. I have no mother you see, that woman there watched me walk away by her boyfriend's orders. She obviously places him above me now, afterall, how am I beneficial to her? I can't support her with money, I don't have a dick nor can I afford a dildo.

I'm just speaking frankly, don't accuse me of disrespecting because all bounds were officially crossed when she kept quiet and let me go. She let her daughter go. I am no 'prodigal child' that demanded my share and foolishly squandered it away with the wrong group. So I will not return sorry. It's NOT my fault when adults refuse responsibility and let the child suffer.

Hmm, thank you so much aunty. I love you and whenever I pray I always ask God to bless you back 100 fold. :) As for now, I am still thinking. *pondering position*


Tzy Shih said...

oh my...i can't believe what im reading...

if there's anything you need, dun hesitate to ask...really...

Sue Me said...

*hugs* I am a call away ok? At least I know you are somewhere safe. See you in church this weekend ok? :) said...

i didnt have a picture with you during the event! thats how sad! :(

samantha said...

sorry to hear about that. i really hope that everything would be okay eventually. i can't offer much but if you really need a listener, do search me up :D

coolcoolbird said...

Hi, I'm your new visitor

kyliemc said...

poor gurl.. *hugs* be strong, k?

Missyve said...

Tzy Shih- Believe it.

Sue Me- *doublehuggies* Thanks, I'm better now. I think I improved on my overall well being by not living there.

sandrawong- Someone just had to take your camera, rah.

samantha - Eventually and slowly :[ I sure will, thanks for caring.

coolcoolbird- Hello visitor.

kyliemc- *hugs* I am :)