Thursday, March 12, 2009

Who? What?

Something really stupid happened yesterday. I was using the laptop in the living and my mom was watching the news on T.V. Some famous political Malay guy was giving a speech and I was guessing his name.

"Anwar?"
"Huh?"

Okay, maybe not. i gave it a second shot.

"Mahathir...?"
"Ha?"

Ugh, she didn't get what I was saying.

"Who's that guy talking... on the news?" *Points to the telivesyen*
"Ohh... that one is Abdullah la."

=l

Man, do I need to read the news more rather than Canadian Living all the time. I'm so obsessed about my wellbeing. I've been struggling this few days, for my life. I had a panic attack or something 2 nights ago. Kept thinking of a thousand ways to die, a bomb might drop on the roof, the ceiling fan might fall on me, there might be a street might and it just might hit me.

So I jumped out of bed when I thought my heart stop beating. Holy, holy, holy. My head was fuzzy and my body was getting cold, I stomped around in circles to fasten my blood circulation. I was paranoid. In my head all I could think was death, "Am I gonna die? Am I dying? Will I die yet? I'm too young to die! I don't wanna die!!"

Not wanting to go to hell I prayed. I repented, I spoke in tongues. An hour later I tried to relax myself by resting on my bed. I then felt my heart stuck in my throat and it was blocking the blood flow. My throat was burning and my head was heavy with blood. First, I thought I went into cardiac arrest and now maybe it was an internal bleeding.

The millions of ways to die. It's so scary.

I prayed so hard, I was so tired. Mentally exhausted telling myself I was merely hallucinating and that the ordeal was gonna be over soon. I told myself I was gonna live and make it through the next day but I doubted it. I started saying final words, what I would say to my mother. I was thinking of giving Zohan to Horry but then again he didn't seem much like a good pet keeper so I didn't know who to give it to but hoped someone would be responsible over him.

It was crazy, it was a total nightmare. After two hours, I fell asleep miraculously. I thanked God, I'm alive! When I was more sober I chuckled at how it all went. I told myself I'd be a nicer person, I reminded myself that I shouldn't get too caught up with the superficial life.

My life didn't flash before my eyes or anything of that sort. I didn't see a light beaming down on me or hell opening up below. Phew! Now, I'm having difficulty breathing. After watching Oprah's show about dry drowning, where "breathing" in a small amount of water into your lungs can kill you hours after. It limits your lung capacity to breathe so you sorta suffocate slowly without even knowing it.

Now, I feel I'm not breathing in enough. I have to think to breathe, it's not 'automatic' anymore T.T
I hate being paranoid, I hate worrying for my LIFE.

"I need a therapist," was the first thing I said. No, actually, "Oh my gosh!" was the first. Then I said that I needed a therapist. Last night it happened again. I handled it much better than the night before. I just continued reading 'Chronicles Of Narnia', trying to block out whatever dying thoughts that was coming in.

I actually started reading Chronicles Of Narnia months long ago. I stopped myself from reading it because I didn't want it to end. The story was so beautiful, I was read over half the entire compilation and in another 2-3 books, it was gonna finish. So I left it alone on my bookshelf, I occupied my time with the internet. But it killed me to not know the ending so I JUST HAVE TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS BEFORE I DIE.

I have to, I have to know what happens in last page.

It's a symbolic story about Jesus anyways. The Lion represents Jesus, the witch is Satan, the Talking Beasts are angels and you can see the similarity of the novel compared to the Bible. That was part of the reason I was into the book but it was the fantasy and writing style of C.S Lewis that I liked and wanted to read more of.

I am a little over a hundred pages of completing it and I don't know if I'll find another great novel to read again. I'm not that much of a book worm either and I find it hard to read Harry Potter. I flip though chapters of it 'cus I find it boring then because I didn't read the previous part I don't understand what's presently happening in the story then I give it up.

Life is too short to read stupid novels, life is too short to... skip lunch.

Yep, gonna go now. Hope I don't get crashed by a car or something. Jinx that.

5 comments:

k-niz said...

ok cool enough that you dont even know who is anwar, mahathir, and abdullah.. pro ^^

RawrMyPillows said...

Trust me man, whoever says life is too short is tripping big time.

Catching up on the previous posts, I realized that my inspiration for blogging about meaningful stuff on a fairly regular basis comes from you >.<

Clarisse Teagen said...

Enjoy Life Now. There's plenty of time to be dead. :)

Corynn said...

Matthew 11:28-30

28"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.

29Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

30For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Missyve said...

k-niz- Who cares about them :P I don't really bother abt politics. It's all so petty.

Danial - That's so nice to hear, I'm a inspiration?! :D

Clarisse- Yeah, so we must try to befriend as many cyber celebrities as possibleee!

Corynn- *hugs* Thank you so much, helped so much. I've been praying these few nights, affirmation is hard to come by.