Tuesday, March 29, 2016

Jill Came Tumbling After

Having just suffered a panic attack (minutes ago), I am reminded of what matters the most to me: being true. I will be true to myself, I will stand by my values and convictions. Some of those convictions are in conflict with my spiritual teachings, mainly, forgiveness. My conviction is to not entertain or maintain relationships with negative, selfish, conceited people in my life. I have disconnected and cut off from many a people like those mentioned above. But I'm told, I need to forgive the people who have hurt me as well.

What is forgiveness? Is it a spectrum from a clean slate to being able to acknowledge the person?
Or is it in between?

I need to find out.

My heart was palpitating, it was pounding in my chest. My breathing was deepening on its own. It was as if my chest was in peristalsis; my heart pumping in a wave-like motion rather than beating as a whole. Was it a heart attack? I dialed 911 but I stopped myself from calling. I looked away from my phone and told myself it couldn't be an attack, there was no pain in my arm or body or chest. I told myself to breathe slowly and count to 10. I prayed to God. I repeated a phrase to God over and over. I don't remember what it was.

Did I overdose on caffeine? I drank two strong cups in an hour at 1 a.m.
I had to. I've been oversleeping the last few weeks.
I have to continue this or else there will be no more focus.
I think I've found my life goal, a career to strive for.

God reminded me that what I really want is to be a net positive in Life. I can't allow my projection to slope.

Wednesday, March 09, 2016

A Little More Thought

I've realized, most people do not think outside of themselves very much.
If they did:

1) The girl wouldn't have atrociously rapped and her friend wouldn't have intermittently sang from 4 to 6 a.m. while I was clearly working on my assignment in my program's lounge.

2) My colleague's best friend wouldn't have let her boyfriend permanently stay in their basement apartment that is only being paid for by my colleague and her best friend.

3) My colleague's best friend wouldn't frequently invite people over without notice.

4) My colleague's best friend's boyfriend wouldn't regularly invite his friends over without notice.

5) My colleague's best friend's boyfriend wouldn't loudly play YouTube videos of all sorts while in the living room up to 4 a.m.

6) My colleague's best friend and her associates wouldn't mess up the communal area and not clean it up.

7) My female relative wouldn't incessantly talk to me and others.

8) My mother wouldn't have cheated on my father.

9) My father wouldn't have been a slob for years and expect everything to be fine.

10) My ex-boyfriend wouldn't have asked me for a second chance to only intentionally fail.

11) A colleague wouldn't often prematurely take her share from the tip collection.

12) A senior colleague wouldn't yell at employees for her failure of considering their understanding of a matter.

13) Rape wouldn't occur.

14) Relationships wouldn't be so tumultuous.

15) The environment would be in a better state.

A Woman like You

I have never met a woman like you and boy was I lucky to have avoided a character like that for this long. Unlucky that I eventually had to come across this behavior. A sustained "coming across," considering that I live with you there is no where I can go to for long to avoid you. No such thing as privacy with you, no such thing as personal space or silence. I find the dumb ones are the only people uncomfortable with silence. There always has to be noise. The T.V., music, radio in the car, and in your case, endless yapping reverberating from the hole in your face.

No one has ever told you to shut up before. I know it, seeing how confidently you speak. Without the social norms of expecting and waiting for feedback, you just tirelessly continue your monologue. A babble no one cares to hear but you don't care, you need to speak. It's as if it's the only way you can breathe. You'll die if you don't talk. Oh, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk.

You're stupid but don't know it. You think what you say is intelligent and ought to be broadcasted which explains the reiteration to the same individual and the repetition to everyone else in your babble circle. I'd like to cancel my involuntary membership of this babble circle. I didn't want this.

I didn't want to listen to a middle-aged woman whine about her weight, health problems, childhood stories, daughter frustrations, poor management of an inherited company, dog grooming and issues everyday. It's the same fucking story every day.

This woman has quite the static life. It comes from not learning and not growing.
Read a book, a real book, not a fucking romance novel for fuck's sake.

Watch a documentary, an actual educational show, not reality T.V. about a veterinarian and claim that you're all about science.

Red flag #1: "Men can't stand that women are superior to them. That's why for years they've tried to keep us down. They know we're better than they are."

I gave you the benefit of the doubt on that statement but you really showed your kookiness from then to now. You're more like Donald Trump than you know. Just as delusional but with a different focus.

You are definitely not an inspiration to women. You are nutty and fucked up. On this day of International Women's Day, I do not think of you with pride. Get yourself fixed. The animals were fixed genitally but you need it mentally.

I am going to respect myself, first and foremost. I am done listening to you, tolerating you. I'm going to look after my needs, my need for a quiet space, a calm environment, peaceful time. Your yappity-yap-yap days are over. You can yap-yap-yap to everyone else, just not me.

I don't even know why you got all the animals if you weren't gonna spend most of your time with them. Burden them with your presence and blabbing. They're there! They don't have an education to pursue, they have all the time in the world to pay attention to you. You can repeat the stories 1, 4, 6, 7, 8 times! That'll make you happy.

Also, see a therapist.

Friday, January 22, 2016


I'm so lonely
So terribly lost at
What to do with
My time and affection
I hope I
Will pass this feel-tain
Ha ha ha
I am so funny

Monday, December 28, 2015

Teary Call

I never liked the term missing piece
Do not say that I was that missing piece
I do not want to fit into your puzzle 
Do not say that I complete you

We are supposed to navigate a maze 
Next to each other learning our way
Getting lost yet keeping faith 
I want it to be that way 

You won't let me mold for us 
I would have lost the shape anyway
You would have noticed the gap and doubt
The accuracy of that jigsaw chunk 

Throw me away,
You can fill in it with technology and strength. 
A tiny blank fazes few
Your meaning is of most importance